- MESSAGE OF HOPE –
De Message of HOPE is een
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AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - January 8, 2005 |
Message of HOPE
Love is What you Do
It's such a contradiction
When Faith is on the line.
We have to pick our teammates -
Choose yours and theirs and mine.
I never thought, in grade school,
That life would come to this:
With dreams fair trade for nightmares,
And hell for bartered bliss.
But . . . Love is what you do.
And Love is where you go.
And Love is how the words come out
When Love is what you know.
Though not without the traces
Of harder times gone by,
I'm much the stronger person
There's no explaining why.
The air is so much sweeter
On the victor's side of pain.
The mem'ries daily soften.
So too, the sad refrain.
But . . . Love is what you do.
And Love is where you go.
And Love is how the words come out
When Love is what you know.
Belinda Martinez
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
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AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - January 2, 2005 |
Message of HOPE
Regaining Confidence
Most victims of professional abuse feel ashamed, humiliated, incompetent,
or even totally demoralised. They mistrust their own ability to judge
another person's character and constantly doubt their own decisions. This
may interfere with their ability to have relationships, particularly
intimate relationships, which are warm, caring and mutually enjoyable. Or
it may impede their capability to use their skills and talents in their
workplace or career. Like victims of childhood sexual abuse they may feel
different, detached, stigmatised, and incapable of having a normal life.
When I began to realise that I had been exploited, duped, and used by my
therapist, I felt very angry. This felt good and energising. But at the
same time, I felt profoundly disturbed by the notion "How could I let
myself be taken in like that?" I agonised "How could I trust my
judgement,
how could I tell the difference between right and wrong, good and bad?" As
a result I was extremely indecisive and self-doubting. In my professional
life, as a psychiatrist, I tortured myself with self-criticism. "How can I
help people judge who can be trusted, embark on constructive
relationships, and make decisions about their life," I asked, "if I'm
so
lacking in these abilities myself?" At that point, I felt really hopeless.
Hope returned, and confidence began to build, when I started to search for
meaning and understanding. I recognised that my abuser had betrayed the
sacred trust that we, as patients, clients, parishioners, students, etc.,
give to those who have the right and responsibility to care for us--those
who have a fiduciary duty to work in our best interests and never use
their position, power and influence to manipulate and exploit us.
Fortunately, as a psychiatrist, I was familiar with the concept of
transference. Thus I saw that my abuser, Dr A, had become like a parent to
me. To him I attributed special powers, put him on a pedestal, and
imagined myself as his infant daughter. When he proposed that my
child-like devotion was a manifestation of adult sexual wishes, and
suggested that we lie together on the floor of his office, I was unable to
refuse.
It took me many years to acknowledge that I had been victimised. These
days, the information and resources of Advocateweb
make it possible for
victims to short-circuit some of the journey towards meaning and healing
and to more rapidly regain confidence, renew relationships and friendships
and make new ones, and find fresh directions in their lives.
Sue Penfold,
MD, member of the Advisory Council and author of "Sexual
abuse by health professionals: a personal search for meaning and healing"
spenfold@cw.bc.ca
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AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - December 24, 2004 |
A
Holiday Message of HOPE
With all the hustle and bustle this Holiday, all the unseasonably cold
weather, and going through the motions just to make it through the most
stressful time of the year, I'd like to ask for us all to take a moment to
silently wish each victim, survivor, and member of AdvocateWeb
...
1) Perseverance;
2) Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Strength;
3) Unconditional Love;
4) Trust;
5) Peace of Mind; and
6) Understanding From and of Others.
You deserve this and much more. It takes only the belief in you to make
this happen. Belief that all things *are* possible and that no matter how
hard things seem at the moment, there is the next moment that can be
changed. It takes only belief to change the moment. Believe that
you
can... and you will.
With collective belief in each other, Christmas Wishes will come true.
Happy Holidays Everyone!!
Cindy Boling
President
AdvocateWeb
---------------------------------------------
A Treasury of Hope
For when hope does awaken, an entire life awakens
along with it.
~Source Unknown
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers,
"Try it one more time."
~Source Unknown
If you do not Hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
~Clement of
Pessimists invest in nothing, but optimists invest in Hope.
~Source Unknown
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the
tune without the words and never stops . . . at all.
~Emily Dickinson
Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier.
~Source Unknown
Hope is grief's best music.
~Source Unknown
If one truly has lost Hope, one would not be on hand
to say so.
~Eric Bentley
Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.
~George Weinberg
Hope is a state of mind, not the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful
sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness
to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but
rather an ability to work for something because it is good.
~Vaclav Havel
Just as despair can come to one only from another human being, Hope, too,
can be given to one only by other human beings.
~Elie Wiesel
While I breathe, I Hope.
~Barbeli
Geanini
Do you then Hope that they would believe in you?
~The Koran
Therefore did my heart rejoice, and my tongue was glad; moreover also my
flesh shall rest in Hope.
~Acts
But rather than wither we have responded with Hope, with courage and even
with joy and optimism.
~Jewish Amidah - The
Standing Prayer
Let Hope plant itself in your soul, for even the smallest bit of it is
enough to grow.
~Belinda Martinez
Belinda Martinez
AdvocateWeb Online Bookstore Coordinator
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
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AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - December 19, 2004 |
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HOPE for the
Holidays! |
Message of HOPE
"Hope-fires"
A message in my inbox
From someone feeling low
Reminded me of something
Worthwhile for us to know.
The peaks we've reached by hard work
Allow a forward glance.
The valleys in-between them
Are respites from the dance.
So, if you're feeling weary,
It's fine to take a break.
But keep the 'Hope-fires' burning
With every breath you take!
Belinda Martinez
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
_____________________________________
Belinda Martinez, a survivor of religious-based
sexual abuse, will be
offering an Advent of Prayer and Fasting for survivors. In addition to her
private daily prayers, she will be asking others to join her in a public
prayer time on the four Sundays of Advent at
Prayer requests may be sent to Belinda at:
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org Belinda will gather the intentions into a
prayer book for the community services. Any wishes to have intentions
included anonymously will be honored.
|
AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - December 10, 2004 |
Message of HOPE
ENDING THE GRIP OF THE ABUSE
Many have probably heard the old adage from baseball,
"It ain't over 'til
the fat lady sings." The real quote is, "It's ain't
over 'til it's over."
Nobody seems to know how the "fat lady" got into this.
But the challenge for most survivors is how to end the icy grip on their
hearts which shame and guilt have. Shame and guilt are "the gifts that
keep giving." This often goes beyond simple acts of self-blame for real or
imagined failures. It can be cataclysmic in scope at times.
I am often asked about how this goes away ...... or whether it does.
Let me tell you a story about our very first complaint case way back in
the early 1970's -- about 30 years ago. Complaints to licensure boards
were virtually unknown territory for anyone, but we helped a woman begin
one against a prominent psychotherapist. He was not only prominent, he was
also popular.
In fact, when the case came up for a contested hearing, his witness list
included a member of the President's Commission on Mental Health, a
well-known judge, the top consumer advocate in our state, and none other
than humanistic therapist Virginia Satir (well enough
known that even the
judge had heard of her). It was a "who's who." There were two other
complainants, but their abuses were far less than those experienced by
"Jane." I and
by many, and I was approached regularly in social situations regarding,
"Why are you out to get ________?"
As the victim's testimony was underway in the hearing, and I was waiting
in an office nearby (not able to be in the room) she was asked a routine
question about any records, and mentioned her diary (although she had not
reviewed it to prepare for her testimony). The defense
then won a motion
that she had to produce it or her testimony would be thrown out.
She was devastated and felt she was being raped. The assistant attorney
general, to his credit, immediately said, "Jane, it's up to you ..... you
do not have to give it up.....it is our job to win the case with or
without you and we feel that this ruling is unfair to you."
"Jane" felt
dirty -- like she needed to run home and shower.
"Jane," who was a friend and not a client, was devastated. Her best
friend
showed up to take her home, we brought her up to speed on the situation,
and she was supportive. "Jane" and her best friend and I went out to
dinner, and I echoed the AJ's words. (I suggested a
"nice" restaurant
whose elegance I had hoped would counter to some degree that sense of
dirtiness in the attorney's office.)
At dinner, we asked "Jane" when the last time she had actually read
the
diary was, and she said, "a long while ago."
I asked her if what she
feared was that her adolescent-like infatuation with the therapist was
featured in the diary, and she responded "yes." She said that she
recalled
writing lots about her adoration of him and feelings of love, things which
now embarrassed and disgusted her. She said "I wished I'd burned the damn
thing."
I suggested that she go home, read it, and see how she felt NOW. I said
that if what she read was embarrassing or shameful, she should not give it
up. But if TODAY as she read it she read simply the adoration of a
grateful client who due to transference was in an adolescent - like love
with the therapist, then there would be a second question. Could she
accept that she still has a part of her inside that is a "little
girl" and
that it is OK to have that as part of her? I shared the fact that I
certainly had that "little boy" part of me that would be with me
forever,
and which at times could cause trouble, but which was no less precious
than any part of me.
We were lucky that night in having a wonderful older woman as a waitress
who seemed to sense what was happening and was great about not being
intrusive and treating us well. The food and ambience were wonderful for
all of us. (I might add that I and her friend were also feeling the need
to get away from sleaze.)
We parted ways at about 10 PM -- it has been a long day and a long but
pleasant dinner, much of which had turned to social chatter, talk about
recent movies, and "normal" conversation.
The next morning, to the shock of the defense
counsel, "Jane" took the
witness stand and, after commenting that she felt this was unfair, readily
gave up the diary. The defense counsel had been
certain that she would
not...."our side" had no idea one way or the other.
Jane's words to me, her friend, and the prosecutor were: "When I read it,
I found the words of a very, very vulnerable person ..... and
I found
myself as a sweet young woman feeling love ...... even though the guy was
a bastard and a sleaze, my emotions were not and my feelings were not."
Then she added, "I'm glad I didn't burn it up ...... had I done so it
would have remained as a shameful thought or memory rather than what it
was."
In the end, the power was actually in her court to understand and forgive
herself and get rid of that shameful "dirty" feeling. It was the
actions
of the therapist which had cast doubt on her ..... and it was she who
needed to reaffirm that she had approached the therapy with honesty and
sincere intent, and that she felt what she felt due to the process and
what the therapist did. There was nothing to feel ashamed of
..... at
least nothing from her end. And in so doing she transformed lead into
gold.
I was not there to see the stunned look on the defense
attorneys' faces,
but the prosecutor described it in vivid detail. Oh yes, you wonder,
whatever happened to the doctor? Well, the first hearing examiner actually
just gave him a slap on the hand and the board caved in and gave a minor
penalty. We were disappointed but "Jane" knew she had done her part
and
believed the prosecutor had done his. We also knew that this would not be
the end of the story.
Sure enough, a year later, there was another complaint and this time he
lost his license. Even though the next complaint was much less serious, th
ey "threw the book at him," obviously
trying to make up for the earlier
issue. Oh, I almost forgot, he didn't even want that minor penalty from
the first one, so he appealed that to District Court. Well, the judge who
heard it commented: "Even common sense would dictate that this is
unprofessional conduct," and made it clear that he would have sustained a
revocation for the first complaint.
The therapist was also later sued by another client. He died twenty years
ago, somewhat in disgrace and long since deserted by his supporters, and
no longer a local "cult" figure. Few even remember his name. I did a
www.google.com search and found
a single reference made by a former
student. He wrote no books.
"Jane" went on with her life, married, and is doing just fine. Our
paths
don't cross very often.....but I recall that on occasion you see a twinkle
in her eye of that adventuresome young girl who is still around. She's
accomplished many things in life and I sincerely doubt she's had any
reason to talk with a therapist for a long, long while.....
Gary Schoener,
Member, Advisory Council and Board of Directors, AdvocateWeb
www.walkin.org
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AdvocateWeb
HOPE eNewsletter - December 4, 2004 |
Message of HOPE
This is Your Chance to Offer HOPE to the World
this
Since AdvocateWeb was founded in January of 1998, we
have worked to give
greater visibility to the issues of professional exploitation and abuse,
and be a resource to both victims and victim advocates. My fundamental
belief was and is that victim advocate groups need to work together more,
network with one another, and support one another on these issues. I
believe our greatest strength is in numbers, speaking out collectively
against this abuse.
For nearly seven years, we have helped many victim advocate groups and
resources be more visible to the world, to our almost one and a half
million visitors to our website. We want to continue in this mission.
Our challenge is in continuing to find enough collective support among our
constituents to keep AdvocateWeb going. We need help
from ALL of you in
this endeavor!
We have our "HOPE for the
I invite you to take this opportunity to offer HOPE to the world through
your generous contribution. You can go to our main HOPE home page to
make a donation right now using your credit card or by check!
Go here to donate!:
http://www.advocateweb.org/hope
We will keep the current results of this campaign posted on that donation
page, so that you can see where we are in our progress. Please take a
look. We definitely need your help! Thank you!
Sincerely,
Kevin Gourley
Founder, AdvocateWeb
kevin.gourley@advocateweb.org
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AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - November 26, 2004 |
Message of HOPE
Road to Hope
I have felt this way before . . .
A solemn reverence honed
By trav'ling on the Road to
Hope
Where anguish is dethroned.
If miles have made a difference
In suffering, healing, fun,
Then Road to Hope was worth it!
Don't let it come undone.
I've learned a thing or two myself,
These weeks while on the road.
We're never far away from those
Who help us with our load.
One thing that I'll remind you,
That each survivor knows . . .
Peace is always possible -
With Hope, the compass rose.
Belinda Martinez
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
________________________________________
Belinda Martinez, a survivor of religious-based sexual
abuse, will be offering an Advent of Prayer and Fasting for survivors. In
addition to her private daily prayers, she will be asking others to join her in
a public prayer time on the four Sundays of Advent at
Prayer requests may be sent to Belinda at: belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
Belinda will gather the intentions into a prayer book for the community
services. Any wishes to have intentions included anonymously will be honored.
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Forgetting the Past"
Those who forget
the past are doomed to repeat it.
George Santayana
Perhaps the most common question faced by
victims/survivors of exploitation by professionals is why don't you just
forget about it? We hear this from friends, family
members, subsequent treaters, other support
professionals, and even from our perpetrators. It is a question that further
undermines a sense of self already battered by abuse, and it cements our shame.
Most of us grope unsuccessfully and defensively for an answer. Few of us
come up with one that is satisfying either to ourselves or to our
interrogators.
Some who ask this question do so in anger,
disgust or denial. In all likelihood, these people need to distance themselves
from their own vulnerability, impotence, or even complicity. Perhaps they
cannot bear another's anguish because it reminds them of their own. The subtext
of their question is why don't you just shut up and go away?
Why don't you just forget
about it? is not necessarily a hostile inquiry. It may
reflect the well-meaning concern of people who care about us and who want us to
come back to them the way we were before the devastation of our souls. It
may reflect their frustration that little they say or do effects instant
healing. The subtext of their question seems more likely to be why can't
I help you feel better? or why
do you have to be in such pain?
With either group, those who would silence us or
those who desperately, caringly want us to heal, the answer is that forgetting
is perhaps the worst thing we could do even if forgetting were truly possible.
To forget would mean turning our backs on life-changing events without learning
and growing from their lessons.
There is a narrow emotional line between
remembering the past and drawing on it for growth, and obsessing over the past
and thus being controlled by it. An important, albeit painful step in
healing comes not only from remembering what took place over the course of the
abuse, but in canonizing our memories by writing them down. This is generally
required as part of taking action. It appears that the act of writing pushes
many of us to organize our thoughts. Reading what we have written may then
allow us to reflect rationally on our memories. Elie
Wiesel, in writing about The Holocaust, notes: Without
memory, our existence would be barren and opaque, like a prison cell into which
no light penetrates; like a tomb which rejects the living. If anything can, it
is memory that will save humanity. For me, hope without memory is like memory
without hope….
So when asked, why don't you just forget
about it? perhaps one should say to the
inquirer, In doing so, I would deprive both of us of an opportunity to
learn and grow, and contribute meaningfully to building a better world:
Forgetting would doom us to repeat the past.
Janet W Wohlberg
---------
Belinda Martinez, a survivor of religious-based sexual abuse, will be offering
an Advent of Prayer and Fasting for survivors. In addition to her private daily
prayers, she will be asking others to join her in a public prayer time on the
four Sundays of Advent at
Prayer requests may be sent to Belinda at:
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org Belinda will gather the intentions into a prayer book
for the community services. Any wishes to have intentions included anonymously
will be honored.
_______________________________________________
A Note from Kevin Gourley:
Last week, I mentioned the new book "Fish in Barrel". Here's
how to order it:
FISH IN A BARREL: A TRUE STORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE IN THERAPY by
will be officially released in January 2005. However, the book can be
ordered now through the website, www.fishinabarrel.org, or Publisher's
Direct bookstore at www.pdbookstore.com.
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Relax"
I was emptying the clothes drier the other day when I noticed a saying on
a shirt belonging to my son, Jonathan. The shirt said, "Relax.
I'm a
Professional". And, while wearing such a shirt with that saying may
be
humorous when it is worn by a nonprofessional who is
a dairy department
overnight stocker at a WalMart, I find a
not-so-humorous "truth" in it.
My perp was a professional. He was a clergy
person with the ELCA. I was
taught to respect and trust clergy. I didn't have a clue of what healthy
boundaries I needed to maintain with this person in order to protect
myself. I went to him at his suggestion for "counseling".
I trusted him
as a representative of the church to which we both belonged. I
"relaxed"
and placed my trust in what the perp represented.
I "relaxed" and
believed his lies. I maintained the silence he imposed upon our
relationship out of love and trust. My "relaxing" left me with
my world
turned upside down and inside out, all at the same time, when he ended the
four-year relationship. I didn't get the "happily ever after"
ending I
had envisioned and he had promised.
Relax, I'm a Professional. Had I not "relaxed" and not trusted
him
because he was a Professional, I would not have been abused and exploited.
Had I not "relaxed" and trusted this clergyperson professional, I
probably
never would have heard of AdvocateWeb. I would have
missed this AFOG.
(Another Flipping
Since my abuse and exploitation, I have come to view professionals--be
they clergy, doctors, teachers, therapists, etc.--differently. I now know
and understand that it is the professional who is always 100% responsible
for maintaining proper boundaries with the congregant, patient, student
and client. That's part of what we pay them for. We pay money for
them
to treat us in a proper and trustworthy fashion. It is totally their
responsibility, and we are not to blame if they choose to cross that
boundary and exploit us. But relax? Put my trust and faith in a
professional just because he/she is a professional? No way. No
more.
It's difficult, though. Professionals hold certain knowledge and
experience in their areas of expertise of which we "regular" folk
have
little understanding. We need to come to a place of healthy boundaries
with professionals and maintain boundaries for our own protection.
While it's not our responsibility to do so, we
can help secure our own
protection from being abused and exploited again.
Relax. I'm a Professional. I don't think so. Today I try to
relax and
trust my own gut. My journey back to sanity has taught me that. I
have
learned to protect myself with better boundaries. I have made that part
of my job. I have made that part of my job of taking care of me.
Relax. I'm a Professional. I have become the
"professional" in my own
life. I am the professional in charge of me, and in that, I am my
one
and only client of whom I try to take the very best of care.
My hope is that you are, or are learning to be, the professional whom you
can trust best in your life, too.
Linda Maue
linda.maue@advocateweb.org
________________________________________
FOR SURVIVORS OF RELIGIOUS BASED SEXUAL
ABUSE
Belinda Martinez, a survivor of religious-based sexual abuse, will be
offering an Advent of Prayer and Fasting for survivors. In addition to her
private daily prayers, she will be asking others to join her in a public
prayer time on the four Sundays of Advent at
Prayer requests may be sent to Belinda at:
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org. Belinda will gather the intentions into
a prayer book for the community services. Any wishes to have intentions
included anonymously will be honored.
________________________________________
NEW BOOK:
FISH IN A BARREL by Grace Tower
Buy it at: http://www.fishinabarrel.org
A note from Kevin Gourley, Founder of AdvocateWeb:
I decided to write this note to encourage you to buy and read "Fish in a
Barrel" by
this incredible book are tremendously helpful to anyone wishing to better
understand the dynamics involved when a professional takes advantage of a
client. Many people do not fully understand this type of abuse unless
they've "been there" personally. Grace helps "take you
there" to see her
life from the inside as she experienced this abuse that had such a
destructive impact on her life and family. I really appreciate Ms. Tower's
willingness to share such a deeply personal story and I have no doubt that
others will be helped through her efforts to write about her experience.
Not only will people who have not experienced this abuse understand this
better, but victims who have experienced this abuse will very much relate
to all that she experienced and know that they are truly "not alone."
Grace's story is not unlike countless thousands of other men and women who
have been abused by therapists, counselors, clergy,
and other
professionals in positions of power, authority, or trust.
Kevin Gourley
Vice President and Founder,
AdvocateWeb
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Faith"
Kevin Gourley, Vice President & Founder, AdvocateWeb
I attended a school choir concert the other night, something I always look
forward to attending. The voices were angelic, but what caught my
attention was the fact that one of the girls in the choir was
blind. I
didn't particularly notice that she was blind until I saw that the girl
next to her held her arm and guided her whenever they walked. And when
they came to steps, her guide told her where each step was, as the girl
gracefully made her way down the steps.
The thought that struck me was that this beautiful blind girl was a
perfect example of "faith". We Christians often talk about
"faith" but
she was LIVING it. When her guide whispered to her, "step," she
had
faith in her guide that a step was truly there, and she stepped downward
in trust. She did not demand for proof that the steps were there, before
she took each step. She simply had faith . . . because her guide was
trustworthy . . . and she stepped. And because of her faith, the
steps
were no barrier at all to her.
There is another point, though. Even though the steps proved to not be a
barrier to her, if she had NOT had faith in her guide, participating in
the concert would have been very difficult, if not impossible. It would
have been her lack of faith that posed the only real threat of being a
barrier to her, not the physical obstacles of the steps.
What a perfect illustration of the times in life where we have something
we can't overcome or some barrier that seems impassable to us, simply
because of our lack of faith. We are told where the steps are, and yet
we still do not step because we do not believe. How much more difficult
life is, when we never trust, never have faith.
One more final point... It's not a matter of just putting our faith in
anything. It matters what and whom we put our faith in. It matters
greatly that the girl's guide was truthfully telling her where to step and
when. If we have a guide who tells us there is a step when there is no
step, or vice versa, then all the faith in the world won't change reality.
If the guide is not telling the truth, then just putting more faith in
them does not make what they say true. So many times, people can be led
astray by "false guides" or "false prophets." It
doesn't just matter
that we have faith, but it matters even more what/whom we put our faith
in.
More simply put: "Faith" is not "believing in something
that is not
real." Rather, "faith" is "believing in something
real that we do not
see."
For a brief moment, my mind drifted from the concert to my own life as I
thought of obstacles I've encountered and how faith carried me through
them.
Kevin Gourley
kevin.gourley@advocateweb.org
(Op 26 oktober jl.
werd Kevin Gourley, de
oprichter van AdvocateWeb als vicepresident
van AW gekozen. Cindy Boling
heeft zijn eerdere functie van hem overgenomen.)
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Finding a Silver Lining
Last summer, I was on a mountaineering trip in the Canadian Rockies. On
the last day of a cloudless but arduous week, we struggled along some very
narrow ledges hundreds of feet above the ground and went onto an extremely
steep scree slope that led down into a valley. On the
way down, I slipped
and tumbled down about twenty feet. Picking myself up, I commented "Well,
that's a few feet nearer the bottom!" The trip leader was astonished,
saying, "That's an amazingly positive way at looking at that, it must have
hurt."
Over the years, I have realised the value of the old saying, "Every cloud
has a silver lining," in helping one draw some positives out of harmful
experiences. It has helped me enormously, and as a psychiatrist I often
try to enable clients to view their lives more optimistically. Overwhelmed
by feelings of self-blame, worthlessness, and inadequacy, they may not
recognise the strengths and wisdom that they have drawn on during their
adversity. Or the opportunities that their experiences may give them; for
instance, understanding and perhaps helping others in similar situations.
Coming to terms with, and even reframing, one's abuse is particularly
hard. Not only do you face shame and self-blame, you are likely to meet
victim-blaming attitudes from others. But as the hurt of betrayal fades,
you may have some interesting thoughts about how the direction of your
life has been influenced. I've found it easier to see a "silver
lining" in
my childhood abuse. If it hadn't happened, my life could have been more
humdrum, even boring. I might still live in
had such an interesting career.
Finding positives in my abuse by my psychiatrist therapist has been more
difficult and took a long time. Among the many after effects I suffered
was marriage breakdown. But I married again, to a far more compatible man
with whom I've lived happily for many years. The direction of my career
changed, in that I became very critical of psychiatric theories and
practice. My personal understanding of abuse as a child and adult has, I
think, allowed me to be more helpful to clients.
People who, confronting their abuse now by doctors, priests, teachers,
prison staff, and others in positions of authority and trust, may be able
to see a "silver lining" more quickly and move on more rapidly with
their
lives. They can draw on resources such as Advocateweb
and supportive
family and community members. They can realise that shame and self-blame
should lie with the perpetrator and know that hope, healing, and restored
well-being are possible.
Sue Penfold, MD, member of the Advisory Council and
author of "Sexual
Abuse by Professionals: A Personal Search for Meaning and Healing."
spenfold@cw.bc.ca
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
You Always Have Value
For the past several years, I have
had the privilege of acting as the
Chaplain at the local Boy Scout Camp. Recently, I have begun to use
a
simple illustration in my meditations. I take a dollar bill from my
pocket, hold it up for all to see, and ask: "Who would like this
dollar?"
Hands go up and shouts of "ME" come from all over the chapel
area. So I
crumple it up and ask again: "Who would like this dollar?" The
same
response. I then throw it on the ground, cover it with dirt, and grind it
into the dirt. Once again, I ask the question: "Who would like this
dollar?" Still the hands are up and the shouts continue until I hand it to
one scout who is sitting somewhere in the audience. I then ask, "Why
did
you want my dollar even after all the things I did with it?" With
lots of
enthusiasm, they tell me that nothing had changed--it is still a dollar.
They could still take it to the trading post for a soda or a candy bar.
A dollar bill, regardless of how battered and dusty it might be, is still
worth a dollar.
What about you? Many of you have been battered, indescribable evil has
been visited on you, and you may feel like you have lost your value. You
might wonder who would want me, or do I still matter? If a dollar bill or
a fifty-dollar bill does not lose value even when folded, spindled, and
dirtied, why should a person who has been abused? So often in our lives,
we feel that when we have been abused everyone around us looks at us
differently. Today I want you to hear from one more person that,
regardless of what has taken place in your life, no matter what someone
has done for you, you have not been devalued in the process. Like my
dollar bill, you retain your value and purpose, and I trust that you will
take this message of hope as encouragement to keep going.
Rev. Rodney Veldhuizen
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
OF COURSE, YOU TRUST!
"I don't trust anyone any more--not even you!" It was hard to
know how to
react the first time I heard those words. Back in 1993. At the
RRe-Imagining Conference, sponsored by the World
Council of Churches, in
Little We Knew. Already overwhelmed and humbled with the number of
passionate women, standing in line to tell their stories or ask questions,
I felt as if I'd just been slapped in the face by the speaker who was
introducing herself to me with those words. Looking back, I'm not certain
that my body language matched my attempt to be gracious. I just hope so.
While I hadn't asked for anyone to totally trust me, it appeared that this
lady's choice to simply approach my table was an act of partial trust, in
itself. Since she had just met me, it was somewhat of a risk for her to
talk with me, even though what she saw from my table indicated that I
should be empathetic and understanding in regard to her story.
It seemed that her being at the conference was a denial of the words she
had just spoken. Getting on a plane, walking into a strange motel, and
joining over 2000 people at an international conference was a testimony
that she indeed did trust a lot more than she realized!
Following my gut, I responded: "I understand that it's hard to trust
anyone when you've been betrayed." Yet, inside my head I was saying:
"Either I don't understand or this lady doesn't really understand what she
is saying."
Later that evening, as I crawled into bed, reflecting on the hours of
intensity and all the lives that had touched mine that day, it was this
woman's words, above all others, that haunted me. I needed to sort out
just why it had caught me so off guard, internally. Eventually, as I
quieted my own thoughts, I realized that it had to do with past
associations. I'd actually met people who'd made
this same statement,
through their actions,
many times. Just never outside the psychiatric
intensive care units, where I'd patiently coaxed patients to take pills or
eat food that they were quite convinced would poison them! Those people
were psychotic, though. To have someone, walking around at an
international conference, making this statement about trust to a total
stranger, was another matter. Now, eleven years later, I've lost count
of the number of times that I've heard those very words; and I am as
convinced today as I was in 1993 that the speakers, though they believe
what they are saying, would do well to reconsider their words.
Having had my own experience of deep betrayal, a few years earlier, by
colleagues I trusted, my confidence in a lot of people had been seriously
eroded. Yet, I had trusted many people since, in order to get a job, buy
a house, fill out Pell Grant applications to help our family survive in
the midst of the economic devastation that had been created in the
aftermath of betrayal. In all of these things, I had been very cautious,
perhaps wiser than a few years earlier, definitely much more anxious, yet
still trusting others in certain matters, without fear of being
excessively cheated. I had told my story and others' stories many times
(with their permission), yet without trusting my listeners to comprehend
fully what I was saying.
Today, when I hear: "I don't trust ANYONE." I think of it
as an
incomplete sentence. What I believe the lady was saying was that she did
not trust me 100% to fully believe her story or to give her whatever she
was seeking from me. She was wise not to trust me in that way,
especially since many others had probably failed her in the past. As
I've since reflected on her words, I find that the saddest thing is that
she felt a need to make that statement at all.
To say that one does not trust ANYONE is to give more power to the
betrayal and to the perpetrator than either deserves. As I see it, the
statement is an indication that the speaker is actually putting oneself
down! Only the most psychologically regressed individuals truly do not
trust ANYONE for anything. They are usually quite easy to spot in
public, and seldom can they be found mingling at an organized activity.
To fully trust every stranger on the street, though, is as foolish as not
trusting anyone. Both ends of the spectrum are just plain--excuse my
slang--goofy! Both are irrational.
Some survivors put a preface to "I don't trust ANYONE" by
saying: "I
used to trust EVERYONE. Now I don't trust ANYONE!" Then, they
may add
another statement: "I wish the abuse hadn't changed me."
These survivors
are the ones that sometimes frighten me. They seem to be under the
impression that their previously "trusting everyone" 100% was
healthy. It
appears that the wisdom of not trusting has not been fully examined.
While it would be magically wonderful if we could divide the world's
population into two distinct boxes--trustworthy and untrustworthy--none of
us would fit into either box. We all like to think that we would. Yet
we
are all human, no matter how hard we try to be otherwise.
What I believe many survivors of any kind of power abuse are really
saying is: "I don't trust myself to keep myself safe, ever
again. If I
get into an unsafe situation or encounter a trigger, I fear that I can't
find my way out. I fear that it will totally destroy me." That
is also
irrational. Yet, if that is your fear, you may want to consider the
"I
don't trust anyone" again. Chances are that you are stronger than you see
yourself as being. Chances are that you can trust yourself more than you
realize.
Want a good exercise to assist you in exploring personal trust issues?
Then make a list of every person in your life. Beside each name, put a
percentage to indicate the degree that you believe you trust that person
to do anything. Next, list all of the specific things you are certain you
could trust that person to do. I think you will find that you trust a lot
of people for a lot of things, which means you are healthier than you
perhaps thought yourself to be. Yet, what you write about each person is
likely to vary, simply because no two people are alike. We all have a
different set of strengths and weaknesses. That's why having a support
TEAM, such as you are likely to find on Advocate Web, is so important.
Not every person can meet all of your needs. Certainly not all survivors
can meet all survivor needs. Still, the more people you know, the more
likely you are to find ways to meet a lot of them. Trusting yourself to
trust others enough to find a support team is crucial to your growth
beyond abuse.
Now, if you are measuring others' trustworthiness, in the general
population, based on whether they believe your story or can support you or
go to bat for you, then perhaps you need to consider your litmus test.
It's nice when all of that happens. It's just not likely that the average
person on the street is going to meet all of those criteria. You'll be
fortunate if they meet ONE! So perhaps the statement you are really
making is: "I don't trust anyone to fully support me, in regard to
this
lonely journey I'm on." That's very rational. The same could be
said of
cancer or bereavement! Yet it doesn't negate you trusting others to meet
some of your other basic needs, as well as some of your survivor needs.
Even though a part of your life's journey is very lonely, there are many
other parts to your journey--both past, present, and future--where people,
yourself included, have been and will continue to be trustworthy.
There are always going to be situations that we did not foresee. Many
that we could not have foreseen in an individual or situation. The world
is full of con artists. Yet, it isn't SATURATED by con artists. Most
of
us can be trusted, by others, to do a lot of wonderful and decent things.
Especially we can be trusted to trust ourselves, more and more, as we
become wiser and healthier on our progressive journeys.
Of course, you trust--just not everyone all of the time. That's
good! It
just keeps us on our toes when we remember this.
Dee Ann Miller
Author of www.takecourage.org and two
books about collusion with
professional sexual abuse:
- How Little We Knew:
Collusion and Confusion with Sexual Misconduct
and - The Truth about Malarkey
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - October
9, 2004 |
Message of HOPE
THE WAITING GAME
Over the years I am struck by how often the hardest part of dealing with
abuse is the "waiting game" after one has made a complaint. In
the case
of one against a licensed professional, mostly we are talking about
licensing boards.
After screwing up the courage to complain, and then writing a complaint
(which may take weeks) and trying to "get it just right" the victim
waits
in quiet silence for the response.
Normally there is considerable fear and anxiety about what will happen
next. Imagines of revenge by the accused professional, or one of his/her
other clients, or a family member, loom. The level of fear in such
situations is very great in our experience.
Then the fear of being critically grilled by an investigator ...... or
down the pike a bunch of lawyers. And when we are afraid we are not at
our best.....
"No passion so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and
reasoning as fear." Edmund Burke (1756) The Origin of Our Ideas of
the
Sublime and Beautiful.
But the real killer is that nothing happens. Sometimes you don't even get
an acknowledgement of the complaint.
And many regulatory boards (or churches in the case of a complaint against
clergy) are bound by all sorts of privacy rules but haven't figured out
how to be supportive of the victim who is waiting in the wings.
First and foremost, please be warned that long waits are the rule and not
the exception. Ah, but you say, "the evidence was overwhelming
......
there were three complaints." Ironically, that will delay it
because all
need to be investigated.
The only thing that tons of evidence can do to bring about a quicker
resolution is an option that is available in some states for the Board to
seek an emergency suspension because of risk to the public. There is a
hearing, and it may be public, and they have to prove that the danger to
the public is such that the person needs to be suspended -- even over
his/her rights to to their reputation, to earn a living,
and the rights of
other clients/patients. But these are granted from time to time.
Otherwise, the long wait is routine. From beginning to end, unless the
professional quickly decides to concede his/her license to avoid legal
expense (often planning on retirement at that time), you are talking
typically two years. It can go as long as four or five with lots of
appeals and other problems.
Church-related actions tend to be quicker, but again can be unpredictable,
slow, and sometimes have a delayed outcome.
The cardinal rule for all of this doesn't relate to time -- it relates to
perspective. If you are a victim/survivor or friend or advocate, you are
a witness and a helper. All you can do, if you have the time and courage,
is to make a complaint. All, I repeat, ALL of what happens next is a
measure of the system and the process -- not you or your complaint.
No difference in the legal system. Justice may or may not
result.
The law isn't justice. It's a very imperfect mechanism. If you press
exactly the right buttons and are also lucky, justice may show up in the
answer. A mechanism is all the law was ever intended to be. Raymond
Chandler (1953) The Long Goodbye, chapter 8
So, some recommendations:
(1) At every stage, ask the board person or church representative to
describe the steps in the process and expected time-line.
(2) Ask when the accused offender will be told of the complaint.
(3) If you get impatient, call them back, and respectfully request any
sort of update -- at least on the TIME-LINE. They often cannot comment on
the progress without potentially undermining the complaint.
(4) As best you can, go on with your life, so that this is NOT the focus.
Gary Schoener
Executive Director,
www.walkin.org
Member, Advisory Council & Board of Directors of AdvocateWeb
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Kevin Gourley, President & Founder, AdvocateWeb
Insanity
There is the old saying that jokingly defines "insanity" as
"always doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different
result."
My question to you is this: Are there ways in which you are practicing
this definition of insanity in your own life?
I could write an essay on this topic, but what really matters is not what I
say. What matters is what you acknowledge to yourself about those areas of
your life that need to change, to head a different course, because the ways you
have been trying to deal with your problems just haven't
worked.
Take yourself away from your normal routine and environment. Make YOU a
priority. Go on a "mini retreat" with yourself, and seriously
reflect on your life and what you might need to change in order to overcome
that which you haven't yet been able to overcome. You may encounter
a breakthrough.
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - September 24, 2004 |
Message
of HOPE
Forgiveness, don't get hung up on it
Whenever the topic of forgiveness comes up, I've observed that most of us react
strongly. And as a survivor myself I can so understand that. I think it is
probably one of the most misunderstood concepts that I have come across.
Perhaps we have lost through the ages and through man-made doctrines what the
true essence of forgiveness really is.
I have found it helpful to dig out the original meaning. I think forgiveness is
a process, a journey. It is intrinsically linked to facing the abuse to oneself
head on, the damage it has caused, the route to assertiveness and personal
growth, a healthier self-concept, etc. It is part of the journey to wholeness
and being able to live life dealing with all those fantastic things life has
to bring and can only be fully entered into when one has done that part of
the journey. That's my opinion and experience anyway. Some will choose to go
through the agony as it were and come out the other end realizing that the byproduct is actually a great life, a healthy self-concept,
and good relationships. Others are too put off by the pain and sadly miss out
on the good stuff and opt for sugary "reconciliation" which is too
soon and not real, avoiding thus the agony.
We cannot stand in judgment of that choice because it takes a tough cookie to
go through it, and it takes understanding of the process and it takes a hell of
a lot of support from others to do it. It means saying no to others who are
trying to speed up the process around you. It means saying no to going back to
the place one had before, the place of being a victim, etc. But it also means
allowing it to happen in its own time without forcing it.
My friend Dee Miller said that it helps her to give the burden of forgiveness
to Someone greater than ourselves. That is my experience too. And that Someone
greater than ourselves I believe is within us too, the wise one on the inside.
In mysticism, all religions actually meet and the experience can be qualified
as Grace, Enlightenment, Nirvana, Bliss ....A place where our heart embraces
our mind which results in deeply felt love and an understanding which far
outreaches the depths of any human wisdom.
To illustrate the initial experience I'd like to share the following poem about
the greater Someone on the inside. Now it is much less dramatic than that. More
a form of peaceful equanimity, balance, but no less powerful.
DRENCHED
24.3.97
Wave after powerful wave is your Love drenching
the dry sands of my heart, barely giving me time
to breathe as I stand transfixed, I can't bear wrenching
myself away from Your intoxicating Beauty as time
and again You show deeper facets of your transcendent Being,
heart and soul powerlessly flooded in red wine
flowing from your cup, your Body emptying
itself of Life before my eyes so I may taste and dine
on this Bread of Life, so preciously preparing,
shaping me for years ahead until the end of Time......
Olga Allen
olga.allen@ntlworld.com
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Hope, Autumn, and Secrets of the
Mountain Ash"
As the weather turns cooler and signs of autumn trickle into view, many people
will be remarking about color changes and the
crunching of leaves as one walks. Fair enough - those are all certainly
part of the process here in the
But just outside my patio door is a tree that does things a little differently
than most. I find myself sitting at my dining room table, busy with
knitting, and hoping to catch my mountain ash drop its leaves. I've never
seen it yet. I either wake up in the morning and find the process
complete, or come home after work one day in the fall and having missed it
while I was away.
Until you've seen it for the first time, it's almost unimaginable to think that
such a large tree can transform itself so quickly - dropping its full load of
leaves at once. Yet for the last four autumns, I have witnessed not the
process itself, but the result: a ring of leaves circling the base of the
ash like a garment it has just shed.
It defies all the prosaic and poetic analogies to transformation that we can
conjure in our minds - slow, agonizing, laborious, reflective.
But it's precisely that defiance which led me to consider the possibility of
shedding hurt or grief in one fell swoop.
Why not? In our healing process, isn't it up to us to learn the lessons
that will help us the most? I wish I had known about my mountain ash
years ago! I wish someone had said, "Look, you can drop each painful
memory one at a time like an oak leaf, hoping it catches in the wind and lands
in someone else's yard for them to clean up, or you can say 'Enough!' and dump
the load all at once and walk away."
I would certainly have chosen to dump the load and walk away.
Imagine how noticeable healing would be if we could breathe the 'ahhs' after letting the weight of it all go at once,
instead of the singular examination of each leaf before it is released.
I know that healing after sexual abuse seldom works that way. Scars are
too deep, and the healing process much too elaborate to even be compared to
autumn's preparation for winter slumber and life's incubation.
But . . . . . there is still the mountain ash. And it gives me Hope to
wonder if one of you out there can follow its example.
Belinda Martinez
AdvocateWeb Online Bookstore Coordinator
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
___________________________________________________
Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune of the FaithTrust Institute in Seattle, Washington (formerly the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence)
will be in St. Paul, Minnesota on Saturday, October 9, 2004 for two events.
The first event, from
The second event, from
For more information, contact Belinda Martinez at belinda.martinez@AdvocateWeb.org
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Grace"
Garcin: Will night never come?
Inez: Never
Garcin: You will always see me?
Inez: Always
John Paul Sartre, No Exit
Existentialist John Paul Sartre, in his 1944 play, No Exit, describes three
characters who, having been brought to a hotel room after death, quickly come
to despise one another. Beyond the room is a void. The characters, despite
their option to leave to go into the void, find they cannot. They recognize
that each validates the other's existence and thereby are they, themselves,
validated.
Having been systematically isolated and dehumanized by our abusers, we, too,
often find ourselves believing that what lies beyond the abusive relationship
is a void and that it is only within the confines of the abusive relationship
that we can be validated. With the normal rules of communicating, of relating,
and of intimacy having been manipulated and distorted by our abusers, many of
us fear abandonment and isolation. We become anxious when we are alone
and ultimately realize, to our horror, that we are traumatically bonded to our
abusers.
Even after we have escaped from our abusers, many of us still experience a
powerful pull back because of the intensity of the abusive relationship and the
internalization of the distorted reality. As Susan Penfold
writes, "Victims have been persuaded that...'you have found yourself
through love of me.'"*
Our compelling need to stay connected can take many forms, some
surprising. Some of us, for example, may repeatedly drive past our
abuser's homes, call their answering machines, or search for them on the
web. But we may also doggedly pursue their associates, employers, and
professional organizations, demanding justice from those who would prefer our
silence. Such confrontations all too often lead us to further isolation:
Our friends grow weary, and our therapists or other professional supporters become
impatient with our seeming inability to move on.
So far, this does not seem like a "message of hope." But, there
is hope. In the words of one anonymous survivor six years after leaving her
abuser, "I know I will live longer than the pain. I'll survive, and very
often I'll be grateful and celebrate that I did."
Unlike Sartre's characters, what lies beyond for us is not a void. As we
heal, we unravel the distortions that have weakened and confused us, and we
move on to form healthy, loving, and validating relationships. With time and
work, we come to understand who our abusers really are and grieve for what we
had believed was reality. Finally, we forgive ourselves for having clung to the
beautiful myth.
Jan Wohlberg
jan@treeage.com
*Why Did You Keep Going for So Long? Issues for
Survivors of Long-Term Sexually Abusive 'Helping' Relationships. J. Sex Ed
& Therapy, 24:4, 1999.
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AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
[Note: This article is written from a Christian perspective. AdvocateWeb welcomes articles from other faith perspectives
as well.]
"Your Gifts"
Kevin Gourley, President & Founder, AdvocateWeb
Never underestimate your gifts.
Never stop seeking to discover your gifts.
These two thoughts really struck me just now, as I sit in a Starbucks sipping
on my java. I overheard a young man in the store proudly telling another
person that he was the fastest steamer/stuffer at
Taco Bell when he worked there. (I am not even sure what that role
is, but suspect it has something to do with tacos :-) My Mom was
proud to be one of the best comptometer operators at Rohr Aircraft during World
War II.
What are your gifts? What are you particularly talented in?
We ALL have gifts, and they are gifts from God. Life itself is a gift
from God, and all that we do in our lives is only because of these unique gifts
God has given us.
Your gifts matter, regardless of what they are. All are important, and
should never be diminished as insignificant because anything given by God is
not to be trivalized. To compare
our gifts to someone else's and then decide that ours aren't important is
missing the point. Someone else's gifts in NO way devalues our own
gifts. Celebrate the things you are proud of, the gifts you have been
given. I am not saying to be boastful in a way that puts others down, but
still appreciate and share your gifts with others. Celebrating
those things that make you unique and special is a way of honoring
God, the Giver.
The other point is important too. Never stop seeking to discover your
gifts. This involves being willing to try new things and daring to
sometimes step out of your comfort zone. How does one discover they are a
great skydiver if they never jump out of a plane? ;-) Fortunately you don't
have to jump out of a plane to discover so many of your gifts. The
illustration still remains true. You will hit a breakthrough in
finding greater joy in life when your life is "in line" with the
gifts God has given you. That is why it is so important to discover what
your gifts are and boldly take on life, and step beyond the imaginary line
called "the comfort zone" from time to time, to discover more about
yourself.
As we grow and "mature" and have kids and careers and start having to
deal with obligations like house and car payments, we can all too easily get
locked into living just to get through each day of work, and we may stop exploring
our gifts. Or we feel we are locked into a job, and it's too risky to try
something else. We don't pursue a career we'd love because we feel
more money can be made doing something else. We don't take classes
at a community college on some topic that interests us because we don't have
the time or money. We don't try something new because we are afraid we
might not be good at it. We run into difficulties in
something we're trying to do, and back off or give up when, if instead we were
to roll up our sleeves and overcome these challenges, we might discover we have
a hidden gift that suddenly exposes itself that will help us achieve other
great things as well.
My point is do not let the illusions of all the "reasons" NOT to
discover and celebrate YOUR gifts keep you from this pursuit.
Get your life in line with your gifts and what you LOVE. Find your
passion. Never stop dreaming your dreams. Celebrate who YOU are,
and tell the world how grateful you are that God made you be the special person
you are.
God has a PURPOSE for you. Live that purpose. This is what really
matters. Most of us have fewer than 100 years to figure that out. Through
Christ, our life doesn't end at your physical death, but you will find joy
beyond your dreams in the life you are living now if you discover, embrace, and
celebrate the gifts God has given you now.
Kevin Gourley
President and Founder, AdvocateWeb
_____________________________________
Belinda Martinez reminds us that
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Legacy
Each hurt has its own chain
That makes the soul a slave.
The trick is in deciding
What to throw away or save.
Like going through the attic
When your favorite loved one dies,
The sorting isn't easy
When the memories cloud your eyes.
At first we want to hold on
To every little shred
That links us to the old days,
Not here and now instead.
But time is always gentle.
We scarcely see it fly.
And soon we've changed our outlook
On what once made us cry.
And then we comb the attic
Where links to 'us' are stored.
We sort through what is hist'ry,
Discard what makes us bored
Then, in the end we settle
For saving what we know -
A legacy for Hoping -
And soon the chains let go.
We then can form our new selves
Defined some by our past.
But we can hand down better . . .
A peace from us to last.
Belinda Martinez
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Putting Ourselves in Perspective
When times are tough and one feels overwhelmed, one of the best
"cures" is to try to remember that you are part of a bigger world and
a bigger universe and that there are many things out there which may bring
comfort by bringing perspective.
What "works" depends on what matters to you. This can be a talk
with an old friend, listening to some music, attending a concert, taking a walk
around a lake or in the woods, etc.
What is difficult at times is to not be trapped inside your head, focused on certain
memories or pains, but to reconnect to nature, life, people, etc.
Ironically, although my own professional studies and career began in
wildlife management and I was very involved in experiencing nature, I find
myself inside doing work and at times distant from these
"roots."
The internet can provide some outlets too. While many of us have been
focused on finding information, or connecting with other survivors, or
otherwise obtaining help on the internet, the internet also has some very
comforting images. There are websites devoted to experiencing the
grandeur of nature, there are spiritual websites which inspire, etc.
With a spacecraft orbiting Saturn, we have once again been reminded of the
grandeur of the universe and how little we know about it. Fortunately,
through the magic of the internet we non-astronauts can experience some of the
great sights. Visit the NASA website for a glimpse: http://www.nasa.gov/home
This is not about "forgetting problems" but
rather putting them in the broader context of one's life, life on earth, and
the great beautiful universe in which we live.
Gary Schoener
Psychologist,
Board Member, AdvocateWeb
Message of HOPE
House of Hope
When you come into the House of Hope
Take the time to wipe your shoes.
There are tracks enough already,
Just in case you've missed the news.
All who dwell within have earned their rest.
Do not leave the door ajar.
If you're lost and need directions,
Just call out from where you are.
All who journey to the House of Hope
Start as guests, but soon decide
That the House of Hope means comfort,
And it's where they will reside.
Pack your bag and stay forever here.
There are vacancies to spare.
And you'll find the view refreshing
Atop the Mountain of Despair.
Belinda Martinez
belinda.martinez@advocateweb.org
__________________________
JIM EVINGER'S BIBLIOGRAPHY: Jim Evinger has
revised his annotated bibliography on clergy sexual abuse. It is 330+
pages now; the new version has nearly 150 new entries. There is a direct
link to it at the "What's New" section of AdvocateWeb.
Please visit what is likely the largest and most comprehensive bibliography of
its kind.
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Walking on a Sidewalk vs. Mountain
Climbing
I was just thinking about the way life can seem to throw at us an unending
series of challenges that we don't really like or want to deal with: illness,
relationship troubles, work challenges, car breakdowns, problems of all
kinds. No matter how much we might want life to be problem-free,
that is just not what life is. All of these things are just a part
of life.
It seems to me that how much we find happiness, joy, and peace in our life
depends on our expectation of what we think "life" is supposed to be
like. As we walk along this journey of life, we must remember that it
simply isn't a smooth, paved, sidewalk experience. If we keep
expecting it to be a smooth, paved sidewalk, we will perpetually be upset to
discover over and over again that it actually is more like climbing on a
mountain trail. We curse as we stumble over a rock, or face a ledge
we have to crawl up, or the steep incline before us. We grumble about the
trail not being smooth. We look down and focus on all the rocks and
gravel in our path.
In looking down, cursing the path, we miss the view. Most of the
time, a walk along a sidewalk just doesn't have much of a
"view." It is, in fact, a bit boring. A journey
along a mountain trail, though, is a journey that leads to magnificent vistas,
perspectives not seen from the sidewalk. Usually "beauty"
is seen on the mountain trails far more frequently than it is seen from the
sidewalks.
Perhaps the key is to only look down enough to keep from tripping or sliding
off a cliff, but then spend much more time looking outward and around
us. Accept that parts of the journey are hard. But
don't miss the views. Look for the good parts. They are
there. We see them if we don't just focus on the rocks.
Kevin Gourley
President and Founder, AdvocateWeb
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"I Have Been There"
Do you ever have those times when you're feeling down and out, you turn on the
radio, and chance would have it that the song that's playing has a message you
really need to hear?
Such were the circumstances when a situation came up where I had to confront
some issues that had surfaced from my own past. As I stood on the edge of the
bank of my troubles, overwhelmed by the mach five waves
tearing wildly over the rocks, I turned to two trusted friends of mine. They
took my focus off the waves for a moment, long enough to pull me in from the
bank and sit me down. We then spent a long night figuring out what was
bringing everything back all of a sudden and what we could do to address it.
The next morning as I walked back into my house, I realized that I had left the
radio on in the kitchen the night before. I went to go turn it off when
the chorus of the song started, the song, "I Have Been There" by Mark
Schultz. I stopped for a moment, listening to every word that was being
sung. I looked back to the couch that these friends and I had all just sat on
the night before and what we had talked about, about although how vastly
different our cases were, we had so many similar
experiences. It made me think back all those years ago to the very beginning of
my own struggles.
"And she cries, 'Oh Lord, I just don't understand.' Then she hears a
gentle voice and an echoing that says, 'I have been there. I know what pain is
all about. Yes, I have been there, and I'm standing with you now. I have
been there, and I came to build a bridge so this road could lead you home. I
have been there.'"
Back then, no one truly understood what I was going through. Looking back, I
realize that I was young and hadn't addressed things the way I probably should
have. It led me into a long beaten path of near hopelessness and
self-destruction. I guess you could say that I ran
far away from everything, moving to a new town hundreds of miles away. That was
before an interesting turn of events one day led me to where I am now.
Before AdvocateWeb came into my life, I would never
have imagined myself talking about the details of my past with anyone--fearing
blame, rejection, or worse. It is in the driving force behind AdvocateWeb where I finally learned that I've never been
alone in my struggles--be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or whatever. It
was in them that I was able to acknowledge my past, accept the point I was at,
draw some sort of peace from it, and find my voice. Yeah, I still have my share
of struggles, but
now I know that its not just me and despite how I feel some days, I'm not out
of my mind.
The collective voices of AdvocateWeb are those same
gentle voices and the echoing that says, "I have been there." They
have been there, they do know what this pain is all about, and they've come and
built this amazing bridge.
The bridge is there! It's been built by the finest of crafters, stood the test
of time, and weathered the strongest of storms, and it still stands, as strong
and beautiful as ever. You may be afraid to step out, afraid
that it will become shaky and fall out from under you, as so many things have
before in your life. But no matter which end of the bridge you're on, the not
yet ready side or the "I have been there" side, you are not alone.
We're
standing with you now. And we've come to build this bridge to lead you back to
who you really are. In your own time, when you're ready to cross that bridge, AdvocateWeb will be here. No one ever said it would be
easy, we're only saying you won't cross it alone.
By Melanie Marshall
_____________________________
A conference to help survivors of severe child abuse (ritual abuse) and torture
will be held on August 6 - 8, 2004 between 8 - 5 PM Saturday and Sunday
at the DoubleTree Hotel near Bradley International
Airport, 16 Ella Grasso Turnpike, Windsor Locks, CT
06096 (between Hartford, CT and Springfield, MA).
This conference will help educate survivors of this abuse and their
helpers. Pre-registration is preferred. For information write
S.M.A.R.T., P. O Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295 E-mail: smartnews@aol.com, conference information is
at: http://members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2004-conference.htm
(This conference is not affiliated with AdvocateWeb)
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
The Garden
It is ironic to me that the garden sanctuary space I love to well came into
being to please the pastor/perp . It was to be
my secret gift to him. We never spent time there together. The neighbors might see. He couldn't take a chance on
that happening. In my breaking of the four year silence of my abuse
and exploitation by this "man of god", my garden was insured his
presence would never contaminate it for me. That, in itself, has become a
blessing.
Today my garden sanctuary has matured with time. New plants have been
added. The pond has been enlarged and re-done. The water feature
produces a peaceful sound. Birds come to drink and bathe in the shallow
area. The neighbor's cat visits and purrs
contently. A three foot tall "garden Angel" watches
over. Wind chimes catch the movement of a breeze and make
"music". I am now able to relax with friends or with myself
upon new
Clergy sexual abuse and exploitation changes us. The moment the clergy /perp crosses his professional
boundaries and sexualizes the relationship our lives are forever changed.
The same is likewise true when this occurs by one of a different profession in
whom we have placed our trust. We will never be the same
afterwards.
I look at my garden sanctuary today and marvel on the changes. There are
"scars" of overgrown bushes which grew out of control during the
period of time when I was in denial and running away from what happened to
me. They sit amidst flowers I do not now wish to disturb so I haven't dug
the stumps out. They remind me of the past. It is good to be
reminded sometimes.
But it is better to be alive and renewed. It will be 5 years in June
since I broke the silence. My garden has grown and continues to change
for the better. So have I. I hope you will too.
Linda Maue
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - July
17, 2004 |
Message of HOPE
Finding Serenity
Dee Ann Miller
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage
to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
While living the Serenity Prayer is never easy, it has been the most important
guide for me, in navigating through a cold, cruel world that has great
difficulty comprehending and accepting my voice.
Yet, I've found that taking the words at face value can be problematic. I
find it practical to work my way from the bottom of the prayer, up to the
top. I think this is true for anyone who is wrestling with the confusion
and re-victimizing collusion that leaves us feeling crazy.
WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE -- The most difficult thing, for most of us, has
been sorting out what we can change from what we cannot. Generally, both
survivors and advocates start out with a lot of irrational beliefs, based on
erroneous information, about what we can and cannot change.
Some of us have erred on the side of believing, as I did, that people only need
to HEAR the truth. We believe that justice will be a given, if we can
just find the right actions and words. If you are still clinging to that
belief, I hope you will save yourself a lot of energy by abandoning that idea.
Study the problem of collusion, rather than focusing on abuse
itself. Read some history about the attempts to expose sexual abuse by
professionals. Study collusion with other issues of oppression, noting how
long it has taken for even small changes. This will help to put things
into perspective. Such a study will, also, lead to a more realistic set of
expectations, based on where we are in 2004. It will take into account how
far we've come in the past twenty-five years, as well as help us to see that
what we want to see will probably take generations.
Others have sunk into the depths of despair, saying that nothing can ever be
changed, applying this to every player and institution involved, including
themselves! With energy totally depleted, they spiral down into deeper and
deeper depression. These feelings are understandable, yet
counter-productive for recovery.
Neither of these "ditches" are good places to be. Neither have
to be permanent places to park.
COURAGE TO CHANGE -- As I see it, this is the missing element in the
institutions that have frustrated us all! Courage to stand up against
colleagues who abuse and collude is in extremely short supply. The
stronger the collusion, the more courage it takes.
Courage and energy go hand in hand for everyone. You really can't have
one without the other. In order to cope with life, both survivors and
advocates sometimes need to rest and wait for these to come along. Most
of the time, though, the first step to finding energy is simply acting as if it
is already there!
Even if we have given up on institutions, though, there is still so much that
we can individually do to make a difference in our world and in
ourselves. We can choose to see ourselves as healthy and full of life,
rather than chronically sick and injured, despite the permanent changes that
abuse and collusion have brought to our lives. We can look beyond our own
lifetimes, working for the good of future generations in whatever we choose to
do.
Taken at face value, the Serenity Prayer would lead us to believe that we are
all supposed to get involved in every good cause we see, to bring about every
change that we'd like to see in this entire world. In reality, we all
have to make choices. As survivors and advocates, we need to be kind to
ourselves and to one another on this point.
I am only one person. I cannot do everything that I'd love to do. I
often wish I had a dozen lives, so that I could! Life is too short.
I have to take care of myself and my family, above all else. Then, I have to
choose what causes I will join, as well as how much time, money, and energy to
invest in each cause.
Fighting the problems of abuse and collusion with professional sexual abuse is
just one worthy cause. It's one that is neglected greatly. We all
know that. It is a cause in which I have chosen to invest much of my life
and energy for almost two decades.
Yet it is not one that I believe every survivor has to choose. There are
many paths and many good choices. To help sort these out, see
http://www.advocateweb.org/hope/itsneverok/options.asp
Choosing when to walk away from one's personal case,
when to stop beating one's head against brick walls, is difficult. Yet,
there comes a time in every case when this has to be done, even though the
outcome has been far from acceptable. That time may be very early in the
process. Or it may be years later.
Holding a perpetrator responsible is a very big burden for one person. It
is the job of systems that, so often, do not do their job. Yet, to
continue with the fight, really is a choice. It is okay to make that
choice. It is also okay to walk away. Survivors are not to blame if their
perpetrator abuses others. The perpetrator and the institution or profession
are, provided they have been told of abuse, even if they act irresponsibly.
Whether one chooses to fight, to speak, to be involved in the larger movement,
there are boundaries to be set. How much energy, how much money, how much
thought are you willing to invest? It takes courage to say
"No!" to others who would like to pressure you into doing things that
keep you from taking care of yourself and your family. In fact, just as much
courage as it takes to get involved.
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT -- Too many of my patients, as well as my readers, seem
to have equated "accepting something" with "being happy with the
circumstances that have resulted." Happiness is a Western
"requirement" that got started in the second half of the
twentieth century. It's as if we are expected to be happy. If we
are not, then there is something "wrong" with us.
Yet the world, throughout most of history, has not embraced the goal of
happiness. Instead, the great philosophers talked a lot more about peace
and tranquillity. These inward qualities have more to do with how we feel
about ourselves and the world that we are able to create within us. They
require an internal locus of control, the belief that our well-being doesn't
have to depend on what others do or say or think.
Acceptance, then, means that we stop trying to undo what was
unacceptable. We cannot undo it! Neither can we ever recover all of
the losses. We can only learn from the past. The best revenge is
finding ways to make the present and future as hopeful as possible. When
we recognize this, we are able to move back through the prayer again, to find
more courage and wisdom, allowing us to live lives that are meaningful. No
matter what we choose. No matter what others do or say.
When this first step is tackled after the other two, it really is quite
simple. It's the courage and the wisdom that are so complicated.
Dee Ann Miller
Author of How Little We Knew, The Truth about Malarkey, and creator of the web site www.takecourage.org
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
"Rear
View Mirror"
Just recently, I found myself on a journey that led me to places hundreds of miles
away from where I now live, one of those being back to my hometown where most
of my problems first arose.
After spending a long afternoon in a crowded, disheveled
courtroom, circumstances made it to where I ended up having to make a trip out
to the house I grew up in to tie up some loose ends. This also meant that
I would have to face my family, with whom I have been on very muddled, nearly
non-existent speaking terms since my "stuff" became known, and since
a family member told me that I had somehow "ruined the family
name". I went, got what I needed to get, then we talked very
briefly, and that was that.
When it came time to leave, I got in my car and started to quickly speed down
the quarter-mile long driveway, starting out on what would be my many, many
hours drive home. About halfway down the driveway, however, I found
myself staring at the rear view mirror, focused on what I was leaving--the
house, the people, the memories, and the life I had left behind. My eyes
were no longer focused on the road. My car was quickly drifting off the
gravel, almost into the muddy ditch running alongside. My two right tires
were teetering on the edge when I caught myself, refocused, and navigated back
up onto the path.
And so I continued on, through a maze of desolate county roads, eventually onto
a long stretch of highway, during which time I passed so many more
landmarks. The high school I went to, the law office where I held my
first job, the counseling center
and the sheriff's department and the jail that I consider all the evil roots of
my troubles then and my troubles now, the home of the person who once violated
me so, the ever-haunting county courthouse, the office of the newspaper that
more than once splashed my name across their front page, and oh, I could just
go on and on. I passed each of them with mixed feelings--reminiscence,
anger, hatred, etc., in their purest forms--mostly of memories of the
unimaginable things I've had to go through with all of that. Those
events, those people, those places, they are seared in my
memory.
As I finally made it out of the city, I felt an odd sense of relief that I
wasn't actually there anymore, but then, I ran out of gas. I was stranded
on a relatively untraveled road, when out of that city
behind, came a car. Two kind strangers, a rather elderly couple, stopped
and helped me get my gas can filled, get my car going again, and followed me
into the next town to make sure I got where I was going
okay.
"What made you want to stop and help me anyway?," I asked the
man. "Oh, it's happened to all of us before. What's important
right now, though, is that you're not out here stranded without help. You
never know who or what's lurking after dark. You're gonna
need to get going before your gas burns down again. Journey on, young
lady." His wife chimed in, "And be careful." And so
yet again, I continued on.
Then, about twenty minutes later, I passed a sign, "Leaving (So-and-So)
County," and I found myself doing it again, that is, looking back. I
was staring into the rear view mirror, looking back teary-eyed yet again at
what I was leaving behind--the people, the memories, and the life I once had
there. My car was again drifting out of my lane, onto the shoulder, where
the sound of my tire running over a roadside rumble strip brought my focus back
to the road.
This time, instead, I safely pulled over. I looked over into my
passenger's seat at the stack of personal and legal documents I was toting and
cried as I knew what was written in them. Then I looked down into the
passenger's floorboard, and there sat odd familiarity--a blanket from home
lying beneath my Bible, a church bulletin, a teddy bear I've had since I was
seven years old--all stuff that I had toted along for that very reason on that
particular trip. I turned on my radio that had been turned off for weeks,
and inside the player was a CD of a group at my church that I had been
listening to last time I was in the car. I remember distinctly the
display, track 10, and the words, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm
trading my shame...I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain...I'm laying
them down..."
I looked back up in the rear view mirror one last time, wiped one last tear
from my face, started the car back up, and continued on down the highway.
This time, however, instead of watching the rear view mirror, I looked ahead of
me, to the road before me and the vast sky above me, and became thankful of the
awful place it had just brought me out of and where it was leading. I
became eagerly anxious to make the rest of the long journey, even through the
darkest night on the longest highway of cluttered civilization. With each
town I passed through, I thought, "I'm that much further away. I'm
that much further removed from that awful place. Look how far I've
come."
In that all too striking series of events, that one trip home became my first
true realization of what exactly this thing is that people call a "healing
journey."
Granted, yes, we all at times, both in practicality as well as in our journeys
to healing, need to glance in the rear view mirror to see how far we've gotten,
assure ourselves that everything we've left behind is okay, re-adjust the view
a little, and we might occasionally need help to get back up and going.
But just as with driving a car, your focus must remain on the road, the
direction you're headed, what lies ahead, and what you must do to get
there. Otherwise, you will quickly drift off the road, crash into what
lies before you, and find yourself scrambling to get pulled painfully out of
the muddy ditch.
So, as you "journey on" down whatever road it is that you're on, I
pass on to you what I've learned thus far.....
- Fill up
your tank--Be prepared. Fuel yourself for the journey ahead.
Make sure you use your resources in the best, responsible, and most
efficient ways possible...
- Heed
advice--Listen to those you meet along the way, for many times they are
helping you continue on because they have been there too...
- Pull
over occasionally--Take a break. Stop and rest. Do whatever
you have to do, but take time out for yourself, time to recharge...
- Kick on
the music--Open your ears and open your heart. Find your inspiration
and your motivation to keep moving forward...
- Allow
yourself to feel--No matter what anyone says: It's
okay to look back and be angry and cry. But hear me out on my next
point...
- Readjust the mirror--As for your focus...Reflect,
but don't remain.
And by all means...please keep your eyes on the road. ;-)
By Melanie Marshall
melaniegmtx@sbcglobal.net
|
AdvocateWeb HOPE eNewsletter - |
Message of HOPE
Kevin Gourley, President &
Founder, AdvocateWeb
"
Maybe you have said one of these phrases: "I just want life to be
normal again" or "I just want to go back in time and change
things." I think most of us have said this about some aspect
of our lives. No matter how much we want to go back, that's one
option we don't have. But we can go forward. That's the
option we ALWAYS have! Where we get stuck is when we are at a point
in life where we are yearning to go back (but can't) and in choosing to go
forward, we wont. What does it take to release us, so that we can move
forward? Well, one thing we can do is accept that life may never
again be as it WAS, but embrace the possibility that it could end up being
BETTER than it was! You might even resist that, thinking that's
just not possible. But that is the key that opens the door for you to
move forward, especially since going backwards is not an option.
This is where a choice comes in. It is the choice to be HOPEful that can open new possibilities to us. This
is the way to move forward.
I am not saying to just get over it. (Oh, if it were
that simple!) I am just saying that you may find a point
where you are stuck in your healing journey, and the way out is to embrace HOPE
for a better tomorrow and actually set your sights on something better than
you've ever had in the past. Eventually, you will get there.
Start believing it. Make your new "normal" be a way of living
life, a life that chooses HOPE.
You want things to go back to the way they were? I say,
shoot for something even better. Start today. You'll get there.
Kevin Gourley
President and Founder, AdvocateWeb
_________________________________
FOR IMMEDIATE
RELEASE
Contact: Samantha Nelson, (530) 675-3608
Email: Help@TheHopeOfSurvivors.com
Web: http://www.TheHopeOfSurvivors.com
The Hope of Survivors will host a Hope & Healing Conference at the
Millennium Hotel/Convention Center in downtown
The purpose of the conference is to provide information and support to those
who have been abused by members of the clergy (of any denomination). The
conference is primarily for adult female victims of clergy sexual abuse and
their spouses, however, anyone who desires to learn more about clergy sexual
abuse and prevention is welcome to attend. Space is limited, so please register
now at the following URL:
http://www.TheHopeOfSurvivors..com/registration.asp. Registration deadline is
Topics Include: What is clergy sexual abuse? How does this happen? Is there an
imbalance? Who is vulnerable? What are the vulnerabilities? Why is this not an
affair? How do we prevent this? Where is God? How to start over? How should the
church respond? And much more!
The Hope of Survivors is a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt, nonprofit
corporation dedicated to helping victims of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct
(from all denominations), as well as providing educational and informational
materials and seminars to pastors and churches nationwide. Professional
memberships include: Adventist-laymen's Services & Industries (ASI),
Polly's Place Network International Ministries (PPN) and the American
Association of Christian Counselors (AACC).
To learn more, please visit our web site, http://www.TheHopeOfSurvivors.com, or call (530)
675-3608.
Please Note: Unfortunately, childcare is not available at this conference.
Message of HOPE
"Broken Child"
Tell me your name;
We've never met.
What is it that
You must forget?
Why do you hide your face?
Who interrupted grace?
Is there something I can do?
Tell me your pain;
My heart is strong.
Can you describe
When life went wrong?
Who took your soul away?
I'm not afraid to pray.
I'd beg the stars to weep for you.
Just look ahead.
The past is dead.
It's time to mend what's been defiled.
With Hope to guide,
You'll heal inside.
You can become more than a broken child.
Tell me the words
They used on you.
Tell me the grief
That you've been through.
Let's try to turn around
The tragic life you've found.
Can you see Hope come shining through?
Tell me the words
You never speak.
I see your pain;
It's scarred your cheek.
Where is it that you dwell?
Though voices call from hell,
There is still much you can do.
Just look ahead.
The past is dead.
It's time to mend what's been defiled.
With Hope to guide,
You'll heal inside.
You can become more than a broken child.
Belinda Martinez
Message of HOPE
By: Tanja Zondervan, founder & president of AdvocateWeb's newborn
little sister Misbruik door Hulpverleners, www.misbruikdoorhulpverleners.nl , the first and
only Dutch website on boundary crossing by professionals & professional
exploitation. For contact mail to: info@misbruikdoorhulpverleners.nl
Invitation to 'Going Dutch' Within the
Global Field of Boundary Crossing -- The Netherlands 2003/2004:
A
Little Sister to AdvocateWeb born in virtual space
Feeling honoured having been invited by AdvocateWeb to share a Message of HOPE
with all of you, I'd like to start by mentioning something about the article
"Going Dutch? Have sex with patients" which was published in the
AdvocateWeb Media Update of April 19, 2004. Personally, I've been annoyed by
the journalist's choice of title because having sex with patients does not have
anything to do with 'going Dutch'. The expression 'going global' would be an
adequate one because research in the Netherlands, the US and elsewhere show
similar results: about 10% of helping professionals at least once, and most of
them unhappily more often, are sexually crossing professional boundaries during
their career. Moreover, the 3 to 4% found in recently published research among
Dutch general practitioners isn't news at all, for this percentage proved to be
a common one throughout diverse countries and within diverse medical
specialties, as well as covering several years when asking the offending group,
physicians themselves, about their sexual involvement with patients.
Having enjoyed reading the Messages of HOPE of others for more than three years
now, it's about time for me to share a message of hope with you, with my fellow
survivors, and with advocates as well as professionals situated all over the
globe. I'd like to focus on the Dutch situation.
After some months of being in a sexual relationship with my psychotherapist I
started to suffer heavily from the situation. By then, I was far from being
able to see that I was exploited and abused. But I felt bad, sick, depressed,
and burnt out, as well as I step by step lost self-confidence and dignity in
exchange for dependency. I rapidly realized there was something very wrong but
I was unable to name it. I started a journey predominantly on the internet
where I hoped to find answers to the many questions I had. Dutch internet sites
were not very helpful. The information and support I needed was simply lacking
or, at best, scarce. There was no chance to get in contact with other victims.
On my global web journey, I met professionals who kindly showed me the way,
some for a short period, especially one for years. One of them told me about
AdvocateWeb and when I visited the site it felt like a kind of revival. I found
much-needed information which helped me understand the mechanisms playing an
important role within relationships of professional exploitation. I joined the
e-mail support group HOPETALK while I was still in the middle of the abuse.
After some months, I more and more gave up the idea that my case was special
and thus different from others. With time passing and especially because of
many fellow victims and some professionals supporting me and showing me the
way, I learned that I was abused by my psychotherapist whom I thought had
started a relationship with me for having fallen in love with me. The waking up
was a hard, painful one but, thanks to my fellow victims and friends at
HOPETALK, I managed to survive. Apart from some kind of strength and strong
will to survive, I owe my life to all of those who so greatly and without
getting tired of my 'buts' and hundreds of questions, supported me in every way
along my journey to understand what I was in, as well as on my journey to find
a way out of the abuse. After I had joined the e-mail support group, it took me
more than a half-year to literally be dragged out of the worst of the mud. At
this point, I'd like to thank Kevin Gourley, the founder and president of
AdvocateWeb, for having created and having kept alive this most wonderful,
heavenly place on 'earth' (read: 'the www') for victims of professional
exploitation. I truly wonder whether I would have survived without AW and I
dare to say: I doubt it. Kev, MANY thanks for everything you've ever done to
make sure victims would find one another and would be able to support each
other. Besides Kevin, there are lots of survivors and also professionals to
whom I want to say THANK YOU! Thanks to every one of you for having shared your
experience, strength, information, wisdom, and advice with me and thanks for
having become dear friends.
In my own country, unhappily, there were no resources. There was only a little
information which was difficult to find for being spread all over the country.
Because I had experienced so much support from AW and felt the need to go on
sharing with others all the information, knowledge, and advice I've received, I
started to think of creating a little sister to AdvocateWeb. It's almost eight
months now since AW's little sister was born. We called the virtual site of
information, sharing, support and healing 'Misbruik door hulpverleners' (www.misbruikdoorhulpverleners.nl) meaning 'Abuse
by professionals'.
In the meantime, the website has grown, at the moment consisting of about 150
pages. We've managed to garner a place among nonprofit organizations/self-help
groups, and more and more people are visiting us. At the moment, we're
welcoming about 50 visitors on a daily basis which for this kind of website, as
well as for a country as tiny as the Netherlands, is incredible.
What does the little sister of AdvocateWeb have to offer to her visitors? We're
predominantly directed at giving information, as well as some support, to
survivors of sexual abuse by professionals. DE WARANDE is our e-mail support
group or discussion group for survivors. Within this closed forum, survivors
can share experiences and information safely with each other and support one
another. They also can publish their experiences as a story or poem. This way,
they can speak out and at the same time help other victims to recognize what
has been done to them, as well as educating the public--including
professionals--this way. We're publishing news on a daily basis. Beside the AW
newsletter which we add to our website on a weekly basis, we collect Dutch
news, articles on boundary crossing by helping professionals,
teachers/trainers, and clergy. Our homepage is updated on a daily basis by news
on boundary crossing as well as other news that is interesting to our visitors.
We especially focus on boundary crossing within healthcare and thus specialize
in news on healthcare matters but we also present legal news.
Our website also consists of pages informing our visitors about the diverse
facets of the problem. So you can find articles on the topic, an extensive body
of literature, scientific information, information on facts and myths,
information on the damage victims are suffering, legal information and the
like. Our website also has a forum which so far, unhappily, isn't much in use.
People--especially professionals--seem to still need to get used to the fact
that we are online and in this way have disturbed the conspiracy of silence and
brought the topic into daylight. We do hope that, as time passes, the forum
will be a place of sharing, also between professionals and non-professionals.
There is one element we introduced on our site which is not part of
AdvocateWeb. We incorporated a bulletin-board. Survivors can put a message
there for everyone to read, in search of fellow victims of the same offender.
It is not allowed to fully name an offender for we need to respect the privacy
of the transgressors, too. But there are plenty of possibilities to make quite
clear to other victims whom a chosen description fits.
Recently, we had a project going on off the website--'Boundary Crossing and
Image Forming' --which was directed toward professionals of our mental health
care system. A Dutch psychiatrist-sexologist and university professor of
Medical Sexology had an article published which can't be described as other
than unprofessional. We tried to focus attention on the greatly inadequate
'professional' remarks the author made in hopes that people would react to the
article so it would become clear this article would not have any chance of
being added to the body of professional Dutch literature on boundary crossing.
Unhappily, the article was published in a scientific journal. On request, I've
translated the article into English. You will find the English version of the
original article "The physician and love and how it went on" on our
website. You're invited to write a reaction to the article if you want--we're
convinced that it is important to show that this script is worth nothing on the
professional market. Click on 'NIEUWS' in the menu and then go to the page
called 'Pseudo Professioneel' (Pseudo Professional).
You'll find the article on top of the page in a gray box.
On the page 'Pseudo Professioneel', we're collecting so-called professional
remarks, articles, decisions of medical boards, and the like which are lacking
professionalism or are even worse: they are too bad to be true. Those unprofessional
remarks and writings we do publish, including the name of the author, so people
can take notice what kind of non-professional stuff someone has tried to make
look professional. On the page, among others, you can find a verdict of one of
our medical ethical boards which shows that it was possible for a general
practitioner to sexually abuse little male and female patients during 22 years
while state organizations, which could have stopped the abuse much earlier,
knew about it without taking action. Although the physician had abused children
as well as adult female patients during more than two decades, our inspection
of healthcare as well as the board did not stop the offender from committing
sexual crimes. We are of the opinion that such unprofessional behaviour of
organizations, which are in charge of keeping an eye on medical professionality
and to make sure patients aren't at risk of professionals, has to be brought
under public attention. The medical profession has proven for decades that it
is not able to control itself.
In terms of boundary crossing, Europe unhappily is far backward in comparison
to the States. Our country still has to undertake a long journey before we
might be able to say things have changed to any extent. Lots of work will have
to be done. Whatever has to be done and how long it might take, the most
important thing is that the topic is out of the closet for good, asking for
attention, asking for adequate solutions to big, structural problems. A start
has been made by creating the website. Fifteen hundred visitors are reading
information on our website each month. Some are knocking at our web door
to ask questions, and more and more victims are arriving at our doors in search
of information, recognition, and support. Also, our neighbour, Belgium, the
part in which the Dutch language is spoken, is regularly visiting us. Websites
of professional institutions, the ministry of justice, and other websites are
increasingly linking to our site and, during the past months, we managed to
make a beginning in political terms by informing members of the Dutch
House of Representatives of the States General about the severe shortcomings
within the medical and legal fields concerning sexual exploitation by
professionals.
Personally, I did not dare to hope that we'd get so many visitors and achieve
so much within just a few months. With tears in my eyes, I'm remembering the
dialogue I had with a Belgian victim recently. After many years of endless
fights to stay alive and regain some dignity, respect, and justice, she found
our website and just cried, along with reading what she could not believe: She
had finally found what she had looked for for so many years. We're doing our
best to make sure more and more victims and others are able to find us. The
next step on this journey of hope is the creation of a brochure which will be
handed out to professionals, institutions, pharmacies, libraries, and the like.
We are also striving to form an Advisory Council in the near future.
Without the very special and fantastic example our big brother was giving,
without the intellectual and emotional support we were receiving from
professionals abroad, as well as professionals from this country which is my
home, and without all strength radiated by survivors we would not have been
able to become a little sister of our American virtual brother, AdvocateWeb.
Thanks a lot for your attention and interest. We'd love to keep you updated on
the progress we make once in a while. Perhaps we'll be able to share another
Message of HOPE with you in the future. When leaving your e-mail box, think
about visiting us: www.misbruikdoorhulpverleners.nl - THANK YOU!
Yours sincerely,
Tanja Zondervan
About the author: I suffered from a sexual relationship with my male
psychotherapist over 17 months. During the abuse, I was confronted with another
part of the whole: a (not sexually) abusive followup psychotherapist who,
instead of supporting me by psycho-educational means and emotional support, did
all he could to weaken me, keep me unknown, and keep me in the abuse. I should
not be able to tell one day what was done to me. No one would ever believe
me...so he gave me a very serious diagnosis and, without any medical reason, he
tried to convince my general practitioner to have me put into a psychiatric
hospital. He lost 'the game'. Today is the day he received my complaint by the
board and he soon will face an additional criminal complaint. My first
psychotherapist was lightly judged. Although I had clearly and by direct
evidence shown that for reasons of serious (among others, cognitive)
disturbance, the board, against all odds and even by abusing diverse laws, kept
him in the field. This week, very probably a news article will be published in
a national newspaper. Once more, there is some hope that this very sad chapter
of Dutch unprofessionalism within psychotherapy might be closed for good by Mr.
Kingma, the inspector general of our inspection of healthcare. I've been
'fighting' now for more than three years, trying to make sure the clients of my
ex-therapist will be safe and well cared for one day. I never will give up hope
and I'll never stop trying to do everything possible to get them out of the
hands of a severely disturbed professional. There is always HOPE. If I refuse
anything, it's getting out of bed without hope and going to sleep without hope.
Every single day is a new chance and, as small as certain steps at times might
look, even the steps backward we need to make at times are, in the long run,
part of the progressing movement. I wish you all that you'll never, ever give
up HOPE.
I had to interrupt my studies at University (Amerindian languages and cultures)
because of the abuse I was facing. In the near future, I hope to be able to go
on studying. After graduating, I'm planning to carry out Ph.D. research in the
field of boundary crossing. So far, there isn't much research in our country
and I'd like to contribute in a scientific way. The aim of the research will be
to provide support to victims.
T. Zondervan
_________________________
The eNewsletter will be taking a break on June
4, 2004, but will be published as usual on June 11, 2004.
---------------------------------------------
The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily reflect
those of AdvocateWeb.
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